October 31, 2016
One month and some change has passed since making the decision to take an intentional year off from dating. I don’t think I knew the immensity of the decision I was making when I started this. Already God has shown me so much and I’ve learned a lot about myself.
It takes plenty of prayer. Literally there is no other way to actually succeed with this year than to turn completely towards the Lord and talk to him all the time. At the beginning I was pretty good at doing this, but have found myself slacking in this department. I’d catch myself doing the thing where I notice a guy and then run the list of if he’s even compatible in my head, which is ridiculous since I don’t know the individual and of course it is in no way reasonable to be thinking in this manner. I would have to take my eyes off the person and physically and mentally readjust my eyes onto the Lord. I still have to do this, but have gotten more into the groove of noticing a person but it stopping at that. I don’t let them take up camp in my mind and I refocus on the Lord. It’s not as much of a fight now as it was in the beginning. Now the struggle is still pushing into prayer so as not to just let myself slip back into old thinking habits just because my mind is idle.
I’ve had to reevaluate heart motive. Why am I doing the things I’m doing and who am I doing them for? Trying to find the line between being pretty for myself/desiring to not always look like a hobo (college struggle) and if I was subconsciously wanting to look nice to try and wow the guys that I’d meet or any guy that would pass me. Which was hard for me to realize that in my subconscious I was wanting to be noticed by these people and to be wanted by them and I wasn’t as content with myself and liking myself as much as I desire to say I am.
Understanding I don’t value myself and what I deserve in my life as much as I value others and what I know they deserve. Holding a high standard for the males who come into my friend’s lives and telling my friend’s they deserve the world, but not even taking the moment to tell myself I deserve a good guy and good things in my life. It’s not something I actively think about for myself and I didn’t realize it affected how I viewed myself and how much value I put on myself. Wow.
Among these things and many others that God is revealing to me in this time, it has also been a freeing month. I’m starting to accept myself more and I’m learning to admire my guy friends simply for the Godly men they are. I go out in those few moments of looking like a college hobo and I feel simply comfortable in who I am in those moments. Chains are breaking in my head and heart (or at least loosening) and it feels good. My worship in church has changed and become a true connection between me and the Lord because I’ve become better at focusing solely on him and all he’s doing.
It all is a learning process and it can be discouraging, but I’m learning to be thankful and content and to speak joy and life over everything. This year is something I didn’t truly realize I needed and as time progresses, I’m more and more thankful that God had pressed it upon my heart to take this leap.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to stop on in and read what I have to say. You are loved and valued beyond what you’ll ever be able to comprehend! Step into this week with joy and peace in the knowledge that God has already gone ahead and he’s got your back!
P.S. I am still trying to not always be on social media. Twitter for sure is something I’ve stepped away from, but FB and Instagram I pop in every now and then because I enjoy posting about the little things happening in college and here in Houston. Much love to you all!