Selfish Expectation

It’s no longer about “I’m not dating for a year and it ends on this date” it’s: “God is taking this time to prepare me, cultivate community around me, and show me who He is in all things”. I had expectations for what this year would look like and what I’d get from it. I didn’t expect to get what I asked, which was to put the hard work in now instead of the brunt of the work later on.

These past six months have been frustrating and also freeing. I’ve had plenty of moments where I was so frustrated because I limited God and what He could do. I put the time constraint on it all and felt anxiety when I didn’t see him working, thinking that somehow this year would go to waste. I have felt broken, disgusted, and weary from digging up things I didn’t know still needed addressing. I have also felt a stable confidence in who I am in Christ, joy in the smallest of moments, and have become much more intentional with what He’s given me.

Yes there’s a date where I can start to date again if that comes across my path, but I no longer see it as “I must have it all together by this date”. I don’t. I rest in what God holds and His grace and glory that’s being revealed every day. I was putting the weight of this year on my shoulders when God wanted me to surrender it from the get go.

I’m centering my life on the knowledge that I am one radically loved by the holy and perfect Abba Father. The focus has shifted from myself to Him. This shifted focus has manifested its goodness in all other aspects of my life as well. He’s showing me how to love others the way He loves, not the way I love with my limitations and patience that can run thin depending on my emotions that day.

I’ve become a new person. His desires for my life have become my desires and I no longer waver and get pushed around by tides of life. I can be fully present where I am at, focusing on all He is showing me. He knew I’d pick UH for this school year and He smiled and has still used it. There was purpose for it and I couldn’t be more thankful!

I have time in abundance! I can go sit by fountains and rest in the peace of the day while reading a book! I go take walks just for fun. I cook all the time and love it. I have become a healthier person and enjoy getting up early to start my day!

He keeps revealing the importance of using my life as ministry and to always come at it with prayer. He’s calling and I can hear him! He has called me to be BOLD and these past six months have revealed this calling in grandiose measure!

There are so many things I would have missed if I hadn’t chosen UH, if I hadn’t listened when He asked me to be intentional in this season of singleness. He’s brought me back to that sweet simple faith rooted in thanksgiving and early morning glory. It’s an every day surrender, a call to know Him above anything I ever want. And it’s all my soul needed.

He’s sovereign. He’s always chasing. HE IS SO GOOD and we are so not. We are His bride and he longs for our hearts, for our attention, and our lives. He’s given us grace upon grace and allowance to rest in the fact we aren’t perfect and we absolutely can’t do it alone. I don’t have it all together and who knows if I truly ever will, but with God in the tiniest of moments I am more than alright with knowing I have done nothing to earn his love.

He is so good. This year was His and will continue to be. This year is for proclaiming his glory and to shift my life and my heart around his word. This year is a peek at His love story. So here’s to being thankful for these past six months and for another six ahead! I surrender! Let each season I am in proclaim your goodness Lord!


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