I just want to leave that there. I’ve touched on this before. This isn’t something I have processed, conquered, or risen above. This topic is a current, this very moment, wrestle till I bleed kind of struggle. It’s multifaceted and ever changing. Some days I rise and dance and worship over it. Others, I’m flat on my face, numbed by the overwhelming reality of what this year, specifically this summer, has been. Numbed by my limits, lack of understanding, and the toll it has on every fiber of my being.
It wasn’t what I asked for.
I didn’t ask for people to die. I didn’t ask to be barrel rolled into the tsunami of depression that I didn’t understand, that I thought I had healed from. I didn’t ask to lack enthusiasm for ministry, my job, these mountains. I didn’t ask to recoil from overwhelming responses of spirituality from my peers. I didn’t ask to be unraveled, to be undone. I didn’t ask.
I did ask to taste and see that He is good.
And this looks nothing like I thought it’d look like. The prayers to see him, feel him, know him in ways I never imagined knowing him have felt unanswered; felt like they’ve simply fallen on deaf ears. Some days I can grasp this and hold onto this hope and promise that those who seek him will find him. Other days I couldn’t tell you what’s up or down, left or right.
As I gear up for a year of leadership back at school, I’m left with disconnected and mixed emotions. Leaving Colorado feeling as if I’m even farther from being finished is frazzling to say the least. I don’t feel ready. I feel messy, like my tank has been drained to the dregs, and I’m still so very tired. I am terrified of being left to fail. Oddly enough, I am so scared that he will bless me when I don’t feel like I’m allowed or can or deserve to be blessed in the midst of it all. But on the flip side, the promise of his sovereignty, holy goodness, and that he works in ones who are so far from ready is exhilarating. Seriously, I am floored to see the story he is unfolding before me! I am giddy to see and know him in ways I thought impossible. Because let’s be real, any goodness or direction or breakthrough that comes from this year is straight from God himself.
So no, this summer wasn’t what I asked for. I’m limping from this wrestling with self, God, and life.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt that one day I’ll be able to say it was everything I needed. That one day I’ll see the endurance, faith, perseverance, and patience he was weaving into the marrow of my bones. I might not fully understand why, but I hold tightly to the promise that I will know him more intimately. That I sought and knocked on the door before me and he answered.